Disengaged
by Cougarfang15
Summary: Ced/Mione,Harry/Hermione friendship.Twoshot. Hermione just hasn't been herself since Cedrics death and she's disengaged herself from the world and her friends. Full summary inside. Rated T just to be safe.


**Hermione hasn't been her usual self since Cedric Diggory's death. She's lost him and he isn't coming back. None of her friends have the courage to ask what's wrong with her until Harry decides to step up.**

**Twoshot**

**Disclaimer: I Don't own anything.**

**This chapter is for my best friend Tekoa. I think we're both being stupid and we shouldn't ruin our friendship. I know you don't really care about me but I want you to know I care about you and you don't have to like all my friends just to be friends with me. I'm sorry…**

**Inspired by my friend Tekoa and the song 'Awake' by Secondhand Serenade which is a really good song.**

Disengaged

Hermione POV

I lie back onto my bed and close my eyes hoping for sleep to come.

Crying keeps me awake though and I can't sleep knowing that tomorrow I'm going to have to get up and brace the day and he won't be there.

He won't be there. He's _gone._

I choke back a sob-careful so that none of the other girls hear me. I wouldn't want to wake them up. I can't let them know. No one can know.

He said so. He said that.

I bite my lip and I can taste blood. Tears stream down my face but their silent so I let them. It's a reoccurring thing these tears. They come and go but it feels good.

It feels so good to let it all out sometimes.

I don't know what to do sometimes. Every now and then during a class or quiditch game I'm almost sure I'll break. Break and let all my walls come down because I don't know; I can never be sure if I'm strong enough to hold it all in. But I know what will happen if I break in front of everyone.

So I hold it in. I hold in the pain the tears, everything.

I know how unhealthy it is to hold in these emotions but I also know that it's for the best. If I didn't hold it in then…

I feel like dieing sometimes and the hurt jabs me in the chest. I wish you were here. I wish you could make me feel better.

But you're gone and that's that. There's no coming back and there's nothing I can do to help.

I cry myself to sleep, I do. I do it a lot. More often then not.

If only you knew.

Crying is so useless though. It makes everyone do one of two things. Pity or disgrace, those are consequences of crying where others can see you.

So I always cry in private, where no one can see and no one will know.

I just wish I could've told you how much I loved you.

I bury my face into the pillow to muffle sobs that I can't keep from coming. I can feel a very distinct lump in my throat and it's burning. It's such a familiar feeling by now though.

I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes I think I'd rather die to get to you rather then stay here.

"Cedric." I whimper and wipe my eyes quickly; I can hear my roommates stirring now. They can't see me like this. It's not right and I'm not ready to face the consequences just yet.

_No one can know. _Your words repeat out in my mind and I can almost feel your warm breath in my ear again.

It's almost too much, and I almost start to cry out again.

But I'm strong and I hold it in. as much as I'd love to run to someone and hug them and bawl out into their arms; that's just not me.

My roommates stirring stops and I lay there just thinking of you again. I know there's never going to be anything to bring you back and I accept that.

I just wonder if you cared for me as much as I care about you. Yes, present tense.

I still care about you.

Now my pillows soaked as well as the sleeves of my nightshirt.

I laugh lightly and wipe my eyes one last time. You're not even here yet I'm still awake for you.

Do you remember that? I'd always stay with you even when I was close to passing out from exhaustion. I'd often fall asleep on your shoulder in the library when we were studying and we would get in so much trouble…

I snuggle into the blankets and sniffle a bit now that my nose is running. It's always hard to stop crying once I've started. I miss you so much though.

I just wish I could be stronger. For me and for you.

I don't want to break my promise. I know you trusted me and I hope you still do. I wont breakdown in class. I will be strong for you.

All because you asked me to. You asked me to be strong and for you I will. I know I can-I know I _will._

You might be watching me from somewhere up above and I want you to see how strong I can be.

I can be strong. You can still be strong too.

I sigh and close my eyes hoping for sleep to take me away. My eyes will be red again in the morning but that's okay because no one seems to notice.

I loved you. I loved you so much Cedric Diggory. I still do.

**Well I hope you liked it.**

**Please review, I love to hear what you think of my story and constructive criticism is also appreciated. I'll have the next chapter up in a few days to a week depending on how many reviews I get. So what are you waiting for? Review!**


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